I’m going to introduce this post because this, along with my HARD WORK post were both written for my FB Timeline when I was in hospital this year. It was written about 3 weeks after the worst time in my life. I was struggling with, well, EVERYTHING. In LOTS of pain, discomfort and my days were almost impossible to make sense of. At the time of writing I would say I was pretty down. Feeling dark and not really in an upbeat “let’s help the world” kind of mindset. However, even though I may come across as quite dark and angry in this post I’m leaving the post in its original format without edit or update simply because I want people to see that things don’t have to be PERFECT to, well, BE! And I’m human after all. We all have bad days and we all get pissed off and annoyed! If nothing else this post helped me to make sense of some things in my head. If it can help you in any way, bonus! 😀
Positive vs Negative Energy
FYI…. lots of swearing today…. You may see where this is going!
I’ve always tried to do my best at every turn in life. Held myself to higher standards. Expected more of myself than I ever would of anyone else. Always tried (although I’d bitch and moan) to put a brave face on stuff and not let people see me when I’m down / being negative. It’s not that I thought I had to be perfect. It’s just that I didn’t see the point in spreading round negative energy to those who were otherwise having a good day. They’re MY problems so I’ll deal with them. I’d keep everyone else to a distance so they didn’t get hurt and you know what… it worked.
However recently I’ve REALLY REALLY suffered. Way more than I’ve ever suffered in my life. (I’m not comparing myself to others…. I’m comparing myself to my previous self. Other people may well have suffered way more than me. But I only have myself to compare to.)
I’m not having a good time right now and haven’t been for far too long. I’m struggling through every day an every night. The day time is almost sufferable HOWEVER, of the last month I’ve had only 4 nights where I feel I’ve got SOME actual DECENT sleep. 4 nights when I don’t feel it’s been TORTUROUS. 4 nights of nice dreams and 4 nights where I’ve woken up peacefully, not abruptly. This isn’t enough in my books. Not when you consider ALL of my days have been spent suffering too. Granted, last week at least, I had 3 days that weren’t too hellish. I feel I made a little progress and for a moment at least I was feeling more positive about my recovery and life in general.
However after only 3 of those days I’ve regressed the last 3 days and my nights have got harder too. They’re almost MORE torturous than the days. At least in the day I have energy to watch movies, or write, or talk to people or at least TRY to distract myself. But at night I’m just too fucking tired to do ANYTHING. I can’t keep my eyes open and my body so desperately needs to shut down and try to heal itself. But life just really got it in for me right now and I don’t know why!
Like a sick twist of fate, as I’m feeling a tiny bit more ability to do physios in the day (now my stab wound is healing up) I’m able to start trying to shift the mounds of sputum out of my lungs. BUT when I’m laying down at night the sputum starts to move around because it’s been loosened. It won’t come UP. It just likes to move about! Because of this I wake up coughing and choking every 15/20/30mins!! Not only this but every time I cough I get hot flashes which take about 5-10mins to subside. So I put a fan on. However whenever the fan blows directly at me I’m cold! When it doesn’t, I’m boiling!
So I can’t control my breathing/coughing and I can’t control my temperature. BECAUSE I can’t control my breathing laying flat isn’t an option, meaning I have to sit the bed up. This means my body can’t fully relax so I have this horrible twisted sitting position going on. This puts a lot of pressure on my body, which in turn hurts more not only at night but during the day too. When I wake up coughing I’ll stretch my body, which feels nice for about 2 seconds, until it draws attention to the fact that I can’t properly relax my body so I now feel WORSE! If I couldn’t stretch it I wouldn’t know how much it actually needed to be stretched out. So I’d be none the wiser. However the little bit of stretching I CAN do is worth only about 25% of the stretching/getting comfortable I NEED to do drawing attention to the 75% of stretching/getting comfortable I CAN’T do! Again, TORTURE!
So the there’s hot/cold. Not being able to breathe properly. Waking up coughing/choking every half hour or so. Not being able to relax my body/get comfortable AND on top of this, because I’m in central London and my room is on a main road, there’s a lot of noise outside through the night!! Now maybe if I was in a DEEP sleep I’d be able to ignore it. But I’m NOT in a deep sleep. I’m in a super shallow sleep from which I’m constantly waking up. So getting BACK to sleep then becomes an issue too even if my body WAS fine!
Last night I remember one particularly loud motorbike outside. And when I say particularly loud, I mean, it almost would have been quieter if it was right next to me. Because of the nature of the buildings it rebounds off of each side and so the sound is almost like it’s being funnelled right into my room!! I remember thinking last night “Ah man, that’s a sweet sounding bike…. BUT AT 3am IT CAN FUCKING DO ONE!” But that’s not the only bike, or the only car. There are busses and ambulances and police cars and people! Plus this is a hospital so there are room alarms going off throughout the night too. Not only all of that THROUGH the night, but come 8am there are road works. Right now they’re cutting through the street. Which means a chainsaw sounding machine kicking off and shouting right through my window! And I know what you’re thinking…. No earplugs don’t work! Nobody can find my professional grade ones and the rest are just shit.
As far as I’m concerned everything can just FUCK OFF!!!! It can fuck off and die. Or at least let ME!
And now I’m being negative. And I don’t like people to see me negative. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m well within my RIGHTS to feel like this. Fuck knows anyone would if they’d been through what I’ve been through and I don’t think anyone could blame them. However, I don’t like to be negative and ruin other people’s days just because I’m struggling. I don’t think it’s fair and I don’t think it’s right. BUT, I’m in hospital and so people FORCE themselves upon me. They HAVE to come into contact with me. I CAN’T keep myself to myself as people are CONSTANTLY trying to get a piece of me and interrupting my day. So if I’m in a bad mood what am I to do??
I’ve decided I’m going to be negative. I’ve decided just to be honest with how I’m feeling. Because if THEY are too stupid to see how much I’m struggling and suffering and THEY are too stupid to take it personally then fuck them! They shouldn’t be doing this job for which they get PAID and can quit at any time. I don’t get paid for this shit and (even though I tried (and failed) a few weeks back) I can’t quit life!!! So I got to thinking about positive and negative energy and the first thing that struck me was that both words are followed by the word “energy” (Fucking clever bastard me!). So I thought to myself, well hey, at least I HAVE some energy! Surely THAT’s a good thing right there?!
And then that reminded me of an interview I’d done with Ellen in Tarifa about 6months ago where I said that there are a lot of evil people in the world who do a lot of evil shit BUT they DO have a lot of good attributes to their personalities. Like their unwavering passion and energy for what they do. Their clarity of focus and ability to say “Fuck the rules I’m doing what I want”. The drive and the ambition to achieve what people might think is impossible. The ability to make and see plans through. All admirable qualities I’m sure you’d agree. Though I and many other people feel their efforts may be misguided, they DO have a lot of positive assets to their personalities and this cannot be denied! So it got me thinking some more….
I used to think that POSITIVE and NEGATIVE were two ends of a spectrum. Like a straight line, with indifference in the middle. Now I’ve thought about it I’ve actually decided this whole thing is circular (and forgive me if everyone else already knew this… it’s just taken me a while to catch up!). Energy can’t be lost. Only converted. And so if it’s on a line going from left to right or top to bottom it’d surely end up falling off one end and being lost, right? But a circle makes much more sense. That actually positive energy and negative energy in their extremes are ALMOST the same thing. They’re both INCREDIBLY powerful forces, can make MASSIVE changes and share a lot of the same attributes.
With this new idea in mind I was kind of happy to be negative. Which in its weird way is actually POSITIVE! I was happy (maybe happy isn’t the right word, but SOMETHING good at least) simply that I HAD energy and that I was going to USE that energy in any way I could. Much like when I was a kid I’d use anger to drive me (If you’ve ever seen the movie “The Waterboy” by/starring Adam Sandler I use this analogy as my anger being my “tackling fuel”). It kind of doesn’t matter whether it’s peace or anger or love or whatever…. Energy is energy and if I can use it right now to get me through this time then that’s what I’m going to do. So no more trying to be nice. No more bottling shit up and taking it out on myself. No more tolerating shit and trying to put a brave face on… I’m going to act how I feel and see what happens. It’s got to be worth a shot.
And I’m sorry if this disappoints some of you. I’m sorry if it’s shattered any illusions you had/have of me. I’m sorry if you disagree. But this is fighting. And fighting isn’t always pretty!